Sunday, February 08, 2009

Is There Hope?

Anyone who is deciding whether or not to have children should NEVER read my blog. I do believe that my experiences with my children is enough birth control for any woman.
I am very careful (or I try my best) to edit my conversations with my son while at work. I have a coworker who is considering motherhood. I know her husband is dying (okay not literally) to have a baby. She is very nervous and does not take this decision lightly. I envy her is some ways, I wish I thought everything though carefully before hand as she does. She tells me that when people find out they are talking of having children that these people feel the need to give her birthing stories, toddler stories, etc. They do not realize (I even slip at times) that this is not helping her husband into getting her to have children. My response to her when she makes this comment to tell me about a terrifying day spend with friends or relatives children, is that she and her husband are different people and therefore her child(ren) will be different also. And when you have your own child you feel totally different about that little nudger running around your house than she feels now about the "outside" children running around her house. It is totally different when they are your own.
At that point I make myself stop, I fear that I will spill about ALL the problems with my teens. And if I did that her poor husband would hang me by my ankles for she would never want to have children.
Speaking of my woes, we have been taking Devin to a psychologist for the last three months now. I have only one thing to say about that ......... waist of time and money! I take him explaining the problems with school work (failing miserably), the hate (and yes I mean hate) he expresses to the family at home, the disrespect to my husband and I, for any rules we try to enforce. Devin totally HATES it here and makes sure he lets everyone know this daily.
It totally amazes me when his friends parents call, they always seem to tell me my son is the sweetest, courteous, and patient kid they have met. Jokingly I ask them again with whom they are referring (with a sly laugh) that can not be my son they are speaking of. Then these parents go as far as giving me examples. Why is he so good everywhere but at home? What did we do to make him hate us so much? This is not something new, something that started in his teen years. He has always been our grumpy old man. The hugs stopped in grade school, well at least he stopped giving them. I still forced them upon him every chance I could.
I got sidetracked again, sorry. Anyway the reason we believe these Dr. visits are a waste, is we never get any feedback. Yes MD and I want to be told what to do, how to handle what is going on. We are getting nothing. Devin on the other hand is getting ... well lets just say more courageous. For example, for his January visit I am home when he gets home. That alerted him to something. He asks "why are you home?" I tell him you have a Dr. appointment. Then the profanities, and arguments start. I get him to go, he spends his hour with the Dr. and makes me pay for it all the way home. I have never heard a kid make a parent feel so horrible. I know in my teen years I was hard on my parents but I never have said the things to my parents that come out of his mouth.
I reminded Devin that he was grounded still due to his grades being below C's. Again the profanities and arguments start. When we walked in the door he immediately goes to the phone, goes to his room, changes and walks toward the door. In a last ditch effort to get him to stay without a physical fight, I tell him he walks out that door I would be clearing out his room. At this point MD gets in to try to back me up and tells Devin that if he walks out the door do not come back. We have rules of the house and he is to follow them. Devin leaves anyway.
I was sooo mad I went straight to his room, thinking he would be back in a couple of hours. It was at the time -5 degrees outside, how long could he really handle being cold. He would not want to walk home from his friends house with it that cold out there, he would call for a ride. So I ripped though his room, tearing posters off the wall, cleaning out from under the bed, cleaning out everything. Why do boys rooms smell soooo bad?
Oh, and to top everything off MD's sister was coming in from Georgia for a visit and a birthday party that weekend. I had his room cleaned and all the trash bags out by the time they arrived. Prepared myself for the onslaught I knew would happen when Devin came home from having his room "cleaned". 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock, then 11 o'clock came and went I started calling all his friends, especially when one of them kept calling me looking for him. Of course all said that they did not know where he was. MD and I went driving around looking for him at all his regular places. If it had not been so cold out I would have let him have his little tantrum and work though it himself. I thought if it he would only pull this in the summer, it would have worked better in my favor. But it was cold, very cold, the coldest night we have had in many years and I could not find him anywhere. My head was aching, my stomach was turning. I had no idea where he was. When we got home MD's sister said no calls and no Devin. Then 10 minutes later he walked in the door, his friends dad brought him home, stating that he did not want to be responsible for him.
We just had another visit with the Dr. and again I ask questions with no answers. I asked if Devin told him about his "running away". The Dr. just asks which time. My response was pick one, what do I do? He only shakes his head, and mumbles something on needed to follow though what we say. Okay I get it I should have let him stay gone? Stay out in the freezing could as far as I knew? What, what should I have done, or better done right? His response was when did I want to make another appointment? And on the way home Devin held true to form, making me pay for the fact I made him go to another Dr. appointment.
It was then and there I decided, I am done. Done trying to help, done getting him to do his school work, done trying to get him to like us much less treat us with any kind of respect. I stopped talking with or too him, would not respond to questions other than one or two words.
Devin responded with ............... being home on time, leaving a note where he was going, getting his school work completed, trying to strike up a conversation with his dad (since I would not respond to him). He kept this going for a few days, until that is I asked about his school work or I asked where he was going. He reverted right back to the previous Devin.
MD told me he heard on the radio about something called "Total Transformation". It was a program for parents who have problems like we do. He wanted to purchase the program, I explained that it is fairly expensive. He just said well how much are you paying for the Dr., who by the way was giving us no direction and who it seems was giving Devin the kahunas to stand up against us?
Point taken I just purchased the program, we will see.


utmomof 5 said...

Oh my goodness!! My heart is aching for you and your family. Teenagers can really SUCK! I hope you find some solutions to whatever it is that is troubling your son. I will be thinking of you guys!!

Anonymous said...