Wednesday, September 16, 2009

HUMPF

He is a master of deception!

Here MD and I thought he saw the light, the error of his ways, the light bulb kicked on, whatever and however you want to say it. We thought he finally got a clue. Well now we are thinking maybe not so much.

School - he starts off great, doing homework, making an effort to be in class on time and participate. Within one week that was done. Within two weeks we are failing again. Within three weeks we are getting letters from school regarding tardies.

Friends - he started off making an effort to not hang with the "bad" boys. Going out and hanging with different kids (not sure yet if THEY are any better choices or not). Within three weeks he was back to hanging with the wrong boys again, and blowing off the friends he had just made.

The New Rules - Of course when he got to come home he was FABULOUS! followed every rule we and the courts gave him. Once school started.........well that is a different story. He started to refuse to help around the house, started coming home after curfew (court appointed curfew), started sneaking out at night, not calling his PO, and now back to smoking (yes this was a court appointed rule also especially seeing how he is not 18 yet).

We have reminded him regularly about his choices and what the consequences will be. I remind him that I will not lie for him if I am asked directly about his behavior and whether or not he is following the rules. he says that he does not want to get sent away again but every action, every tone of his speech, every movement he makes says otherwise. We have grounded him, taken things away from him (again), we have refused requests, we have offered rewards. Nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING is working.

Now teachers are contacting me telling ME I need to "fix" Devin. For one thing I tell them that I cannot do a thing about work/activities done three weeks ago. If they want me to be a bigger part of his school life they need to contact me a lot sooner than 3 weeks. They have my email (which is the fastest & easiest way to reach me), my cell number, and my work number. I am not unreachable. They come up with their own excuses for why they do not contact me sooner, my response is if you want me to help on your turf you need but only to ask. But ask sooner rather than later. I mean really, I am not going to get Devin to do work and turn it in if it will not count for towards his grade any longer. I have tried, it does not work. So asking for my help when my help will really not improve his grade anyway is a waste of every one's time.

Boys, I just do not get them. I am way to use to Felicia and Mikayla and their drive to excel and do well. Why does he not? Why are boys wired so differently? Why do only wrong, improper things motivate them? Why Why Why can he not do what is expected of him? Why does he think everything should just be given to him on a silver platter! We have never done this with him (yea he is spoiled but not that spoiled) or the girls. Don't get me wrong the girls are not angles by no means. But they know when to say when so to say. Maybe girls are just a different set of problems than boys.


I just........ I just don't know how to help him anymore. I just don't know what to do with or about him anymore.

3 comments:

utmomof 5 said...

I was hoping since you hadn't told us anything about him that meant he was doing better. Dang it!!! I really sounds like that school is not a good place for him. The peer pressure is just more than he can handle. I wish I had some great answers for you. So sorry you are dealing with all this!!

a corgi said...

hugs to you because I understand this; you can't figure out why they do the things they do when they should know better; and if he doesn't want be "locked away again" he's got to start showing that with his actions. It is hard with peer pressure, I know, and it is hard when they associate with friends that make wrong choices like they are making. Your son knows the rules/consequences if he breaks them. And the impact it will be on his freedom. He will be the one that loses out the most; life will go on for you all (as hard as it will be not to have him living at your house with you) but life will go on and you will still be enjoying your freedoms while he is being locked up. I used to tell my son when he was on probation that although he had a curfew and couldn't do this or that, at least he was sleeping in his own bed at night, watching what he wanted on his TV in his room, getting to eat what he wanted and didn't really have it all that bad compared to others locked up who didn't have those choices he had with food, TV watching, etc. He was good about coming home before curfew, but I'm not 100% sure he didn't sneak out a few times.

I don't know about his probation officer, but my son always had to bring in report cards, etc. and had to maintain at least C's in his classwork.

And this is probably the hardest advice to give because I truly understand where you are coming from. You want to help but don't know how. You want to keep him safe but are failing in your efforts. Etc. Been there, done that.

You might just need to let it go and have him suffer the outcome and consequences of his poor choices. This is really hard to do but sometimes its what is needed when it clicks that their behavior caused this to happen.

He really doesn't want the court to be more involved in his life than they already are. I hope he can get that at least.

sorry this is so long but I'll close with this. I don't know how much you trust your son. I told my son that I would hope that he never lost my trust because that is the hardest thing to get back. That was several years ago when I told him that. Because of his actions, I did lose trust in him and doubted pretty much anything he would tell me. Now as a young adult and trying to make some better choices, I haven't gained back trust in him. So every time he's out doing something, I'm wondering if it is something that is causing trouble or not. 99% of the time it isn't. But unfortunately I accuse him of a lot because that trust is gone. It is hard to rebuild it. Your son might not care now, but in a few years it might make a difference for him to have your trust.

I believe in my son that he can do good things if he chooses to and I encourage him as much as I can, but there is always that shadow of a doubt on some things......

hugs to you..........

betty

Cindi said...

I'm so sorry things are going downhill again. I really wish I could offer some advice to you, but not having been in your shoes with your son, I can't. But what I WILL do is continue to say a prayer for you and your family as you struggle through this.

It sounds like there is pretty much no "down time" and you're having to try to stay a step ahead of him at all times. Maybe more time away will help? Maybe military school? (of course that costs an arm and a leg and isn't always feasible)

I just wish I had a magic answer for you.